Winter 2003

Newstand Price $3.95  Canada $5.95

CULT ACCUSATIONS DENIED

Rumours that the OFBA is a front for an obscure Eastern snake worship cult has been vigorously denied by the cult's alleged leader Chris "Cobra" Shepard.  "Poppycock" exclaimed Shepard "the OFBA's is about basketball - nothing else. Well beer too I guess. And fries - ya fries - and not those soggy little fast

 

 food ones, I'm takin about those nice big crispy wedgies with lot's of vinegar and ketchup.Yum!"   When Shepard was asked about photo's which appear to show worshippers prone before him he responded "I always lead the gang in a little stretching session before the game. Then we play basketball and then we drink beer and eat fries".

 

 Duncan Mountain Biking Expedition Highlights

An amazing story. Four guys rent an RV and drive to Duncan. The brainchild of our own "Scarface" Witoski the trip took us to (for us) uncharted territories in the Duncan hinterland.  We established base camp in the Stoltz Pool Provincial campground and launched biking expeditions from this location.  

 

Highlights of the trip included discovering an amazing selection of 1 gallon wines in the local liquor store, the location of a lost graveyard of abandoned automobiles and Guy's near plunge down a 30 metre cliff. I could go on but I think the ambience of the trip is best be communicated in pictures. Click on the link below:

                 aniblue06_tiltsideway_next.gifPHOTO ESSAY aniblue06_tiltsideway_back.gif

Trip Participants

 
Tim

 
Joeleff

 
Cabablairo

 
Scott

 

 

Chris

Mr Snuggles

 

 I received the following notice from Shaggy. Be Warned.

Heads or Tails?

Candy was away on bidness for a few days and the beagle eagerly took her place in the bed.  Being the affectionate sort he always crams in as close as possible often with his head on the pillow.  As I was drifting off to sleep I noticed that his breath seemed to be a lot fouler than normal.  I reached over to push him away a bit and much to my horror realized that what I thought was a head was actually a tail.The foul odours were of a completely different nature than first supposed..

Police Incident

It was a dark and windy night.  I woke up at about 5:00 AM and noticed a light on in the house.  I peeked out the bedroom door to find front door of the house wide open and the kitchen lights on. 

 

Now this was quite alarming because the lights in the kitchen are operated by a motion detector which could only mean some person/ creature was in the house.  Then I heard footsteps.  I immediately retreated to the bedroom and dialed 911.  Within minutes the place was swarming with cops.  They checked the premises and surrounds out and saw no sign of an intruder and no indication of forced entry.  I walked into the kitchen and there was the "Happy 50th" balloon happily waving in the breeze. It all came clear . 

1. Door blew open
2. Wind whistled through us setting balloon in motion
3. Motion detector activated kitchen lights
4. As for the footsteps??

 

Nipple VS Orifice

The 2003 OFBA fall basketball season experienced some murmuring about the design of some new water bottles being circulated by one of our sponsors.  Players complained of the hydration delivery system and noted that they were feeling quite fatigued and non-refreshed after drinking from the water bottle.  These complaints seemed innocent at first, but after weeks of careful surveillance, it was noted that players who had once run the court like a teen-ager, now hobbled back and forth like someone in their 50's!!!  While most of us thought nothing of this, a group of science experts decided to investigate.  With the use of an oxy-spectrometer camera, we were able to see what was happening on a molecular level.  In the two accompanying figures, we have used blue arrows to show the direction of oxygen flow. Figure A shows water streaming from a nipple design, pulling oxygen into the parched mouth of the OFBA player.  

Figure B shows that as the water trickles from the orifice design, a vacuum within the

 

bottle actually sucks oxygen away from the mouth of the exhausted OFBA player. From these oxy- spectrometer photos, it's easy to see the fatal design flaw in the sponsor's water bottle.  We sincerely hope that it was an honest mistake, rather than a brutal effort to secure the 2003-2004 MVP award.

We tried to contact the sponsor, but he refused to speak with us.  We also tried to secure the opinion of our own OFBA nipple expert, but he declined to speak to us for fear of retaliatory measures from the sponsor.

Final note: just prior to this article going to press, the sponsor tried to bribe us with one of the aforementioned bottles. Had he chosen a colour other than pink, he might have been successful.

Mike "Bertuzzi" Gustafsson

Fire Pit Apparition Amazes

Sitting around the campfire we had a mystical experience: perhaps a visit from another dimension? We were singing all of our old favorites, and after a cheerful whistling rendition of the

 

 Friendly Giant theme song an almost identical likeness to Jerome appeared in the fire pit. The image was captured on film by Cabablairo  See if you can tell the apparition from the real deal


 


         Fire Pit Jerome

 

          Real Jerome

The Facts 
RV: 28 ft Royal Expedition
Maximum Bike Speed: 62K
Best Injury: Commander Witoski
Best Crash: Cabalairo
Favorite Beverage: Lucky Lager

 

 
"Animate object meets inanimate
object. Inanimate object prevails."

 We discussed many interesting topics on the Duncan trip.  One of the more interesting was  the origin and biology of the cashew  nut.  

Cashew trees produce both a fruit (an apple) and a nut. After the cashew flower blooms, a nut forms. The apple later swells between the nut shell and the stem. When harvested, the apple can only keep for twenty-four hours before it begins to ferment. Although the fruit can be used for making many typical fruit products (jellies, jams, juice, wine and liquor), the apple is often discarded, in pursuit of the nut. Technically, the actual nut is the thick-shelled seed. The outer shell (coat) of the seed contains the poison oak allergen urushiol, and may cause dermatitis in hypersensitive people.

There is a toxic resin inside the shell layer. If the shell is not opened properly, the resin will get on the cashew  nut, making it inedible. Most companies steam the shell open at a high temperature, thus cooking the cashew  nut inside.

 

The raw  cashews are much sweeter, tastier, and nutritious   than their cooked counterparts.

Many people avoid cashew   nuts  because of their high fat content, though they are lower in total fat than almonds, peanuts, pecans, and walnuts. Like other nuts, cashews are high in saturated fat; however, eaten in small quantities cashews are a highly nutritious food.

 Submitted by Cabablairo. Cashew information excerpted from http://www.living-foods.com/articles/rawcashew.html

 

 A poem by Scotty:

It happened on one fine day
that five friends and a motorhome
needed each other to carry--
of all things--five bicycles,
five x twenty bottles of beer
and mighty dreams of winning--
of all things--"best in show"
on the dirt byways of Cowichan.

They drank, ate, danced jigs,
and half-drunk tossed stones
(where the rivers meet) at other stones
in their five x forty odd years.
Yes, the fish jumped, and mighty Tim's
pole tagged a guppy (or two).
At night--five men drunk and stumbling--
the guppy grew wings, crowed

like a crow.  Best of all, the riding--
trails, tressels, burnt-out BMWs,
the inner burn of muscles striving
up-hill, the lilt mid-way, the gain going
down, the thrill of winged flight x five:
Sixty two,count, sixty two clicks
per hour bested on the byways
of Cowichan--what a feat, what a show!



 

"Revere the Snake King for only he can
uncoil the true path to enlightenment"

Celebrity Look-Alikes

Gadget has pointed out the remarkable resemblance between Steve Nash and Scarface (off court).  

Mini Photo Galleries

    aniblue06_tiltsideway_next.gifCommissioners 50th Birthday Pics.aniblue06_tiltsideway_back.gif

     aniblue06_tiltsideway_next.gifHawaiian Holiday Picsaniblue06_tiltsideway_back.gif

 

Caption Contest!!     

 Figure out a caption for one of the players and submit to contest@ofba.net . Click on the image for an example.


 
Figure A - Water flowing from the nipple

 
Figure B - Water dripping from the orifice

 
© OFBA Publishing 2003

Editor: Chris Shepard

Layout and Production: Chris Shepard

Contributors: Scott Gerrity, Mike Gustafsson, Blair Paterson, Neil Paterson, Adrian Somers, Tim Witoski

Advertising: Advertising rates available on request.  Please direct all advertising inquiries to advertising@ofba.net

Submissions: Submissions to the Newsletter are welcome. We are looking for original material suitable for a wide audience.

 Next Edition

Sweathouse - His shocking career exposed. Exclusive interview.
Doppler - Rumours of fourth nipple revealed.
Skills Column - Old Cobra passes on some of his magic.  The first column will feature the secrets of the flip-kick lay up and the no-jump jump shot.

 

 

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